{"id":2365,"date":"2021-12-10T17:43:11","date_gmt":"2021-12-10T21:43:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.skypointfcu.com\/wph\/workarea\/?p=2365"},"modified":"2021-12-10T17:43:24","modified_gmt":"2021-12-10T21:43:24","slug":"how-to-talk-money-with-your-parents-this-holiday","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.skypointfcu.com\/wph\/workarea\/blog\/how-to-talk-money-with-your-parents-this-holiday\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Talk Money With Your Parents This Holiday"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Holiday gatherings may present an opportunity to talk to your parents about important money issues<\/a>, such as estate planning or long-term care. The need to discuss this stuff may feel particularly acute if you don\u2019t see your folks often or these are the first holidays you\u2019ll be together since the pandemic started.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tread carefully, though, because these discussions can easily go wrong. Diligent preparation, the right approach and a respectful attitude can help your family tackle potentially uncomfortable subjects without ruining the holiday, advises Amy Goyer, AARP\u2019s national family and caregiving expert.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ideally, families would talk \u201cearly and often\u201d about issues related to aging, she says. The more remote or theoretical the topic, the easier it can be to discuss. For example, talking about how to pay for assisted living or a home health aide may be less fraught when the need is hypothetical than when your parent has just fallen down the stairs or is in the hospital.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFinances are hard to talk about, much less in some kind of a crisis,\u201d Goyer says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most U.S. adults say there are obstacles when it comes to discussing important financial topics with family, according to a study published in October from financial services firm Edward Jones in partnership with Age Wave and Harris Poll. The top issues include: avoiding family conflicts (22%), trying to avoid burdening family members with their finances (20%) and being too uncomfortable to discuss these topics (18%).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you want to talk to your parents about money, consider the following steps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, adjust your attitude<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Goyer bristles when people talk about having to \u201cparent their parents\u201d because the phrase sounds disrespectful to her. Having a superior or condescending attitude toward your parents, or trying to tell them what they should do, will just make the conversation harder, she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven though your role changes, you are still their child, and therefore they deserve your respect,\u201d Goyer says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead, research some options in advance so you can present choices to your parents rather than issuing orders. If they don\u2019t have long-term care insurance, for example, they might be able to sell investments or tap their home equity to pay for a nursing home stay. If they don\u2019t have an advanced directive or other estate planning documents<\/a>, you could offer to help them use estate planning software or find them an estate planning attorney. If bills aren\u2019t being paid<\/a>, you can offer to set up autopayments, take over bill paying or find a daily money manager who will do it for a fee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe point is for them to get what they want \u2014 that their wishes will be adhered to,\u201d Goyer says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Focus on feelings<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How you broach the topic will depend on your family dynamics. An indirect approach would be to mention that you read an article on the topic or saw something on TV about it, or that you\u2019re doing similar planning for yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFor some people, an indirect approach is more effective,\u201d Goyer says. \u201cFor other people, they\u2019re going to see right through you and be angry that you\u2019re indirect.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take the approach you think will work best with your parents. However you bring it up, pivot quickly to asking for your parents\u2019 perspective. It\u2019s important to listen more than you talk, especially at the beginning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAsk them how they\u2019re feeling about the finances, or the housework or the driving or whatever it is,\u201d Goyer says. \u201cDo they ever feel uncomfortable? Do they ever feel unsafe?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She says you could pose it as a question, such as: \u201c\u2018Do you ever feel like you might like to have a little bit of help to do that?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask follow-up questions and consider paraphrasing what you\u2019re hearing to show that you\u2019re actively listening (using phrases like \u201cWhat I\u2019m hearing you saying is \u2026 \u201d). People who feel heard are less likely to be defensive and more likely to listen to what you have to say, Goyer says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your parents aren\u2019t troubled by a situation, but you are, Goyer recommends using \u201cI\u201d statements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNever start anything with, \u2018You need to,\u2019\u201d Goyer says. \u201cInstead, say, \u2018I\u2019m concerned about\u2019 or \u2018I want to help you.\u2019 Your role is to provide support for them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Prepare to abandon ship<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That support includes staying calm if your parents get angry, fearful or sad. Your folks may be embarrassed about their financial situation, worried about the future<\/a> or resistant to the idea of needing help. Acknowledge those feelings, even if you don\u2019t agree with their viewpoint, Goyer says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf they are feeling insecure, or they\u2019re feeling angry at the thought of a change \u2014 are scared at the thought of a change \u2014 validate those feelings,\u201d Goyer says. \u201cChange is hard.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But be prepared to drop the subject, at least for the time being, if tensions remain high.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFor some people, (discussing money) is fine, but for others, it\u2019s going to ruin the holiday,\u201d Goyer says. \u201cMaybe the holiday is when we observe, and we make a plan to talk later about it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Harris Poll survey on behalf of Edward Jones and Age Wave was conducted from August 12-16, 2021, among 2,020 U.S. adults ages 18 and older. Results were weighted where necessary to bring them into line with their actual proportions in the population.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This article is meant to provide background information and should not be considered legal guidance.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This article was written by NerdWallet and was originally published by the Associated Press.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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